Divorce is often a time of turmoil, instability, and uncertainty for many children. Of course, if your child is experiencing depression, withdrawal, or any other behaviors that are cause for concern, you should seek the proper assistance from a physician or mental health care provider. I am not offering up a focus on education as a cure all, rather I am suggesting it as a means by which parents can help assuage anxiety and bring a better sense of structure and stability to a child’s life.
In my time as a teacher over the past decade I have observed far too many times children go through not one but several divorces. Recently I was discussing this topic with a newly single father, fresh from finalizing his second divorce and gaining full time custody of his son. He and his adolescent son share a passion for video games and he was commenting on how he enjoyed watching his son play a new video game for over five hours. Now, no judgments. We all need time to relax and escape in to a hobby, especially parents and children in the stressful time during and following a divorce. And good father/son bonding time is important in whatever form it may take. However, I wondered to myself if he and his son had ever spent even half that amount of time together on schoolwork.
Let’s not single out this man—how much time on average do parents spend involved in their children’s school work at home? In my experience as a teacher, the simple answer is not a lot. That average decreases during divorce when mothers and fathers struggle with the physical and emotional changes occurring in their own lives and are able to devote less time and energy to their children. Most parents inquire about their child’s day at school, but the child often dictates the length, breadth, and depth of that conversation, which after elementary school usually emphasizes the social aspects of the child’s day and skims over any discussion of actual learning.
Excuses & Escapism
It’s well documented that children, even the rebellious adolescents, crave and require a certain amount of structure and stability in their lives. For better or worse, and whatever a child’s relationship with his or her parents or step-parents may be, a divorce upsets and alters structure in that child’s life. School is a constant for the majority of kids in divorce, and too often parents fail to acknowledge this fact.
Education remains a constant throughout the most children’s lives, providing the structure and stability they need and desire. Even if a child is required to switch schools or move due to divorce, he or she will still have an English teacher to write an essay for, still take a math class, and still be required to dress out for P.E. Schools provide much needed routines for kids. Unfortunately, many parents fail to nurture this aspect of their children’s lives, especially during divorce. Instead of focusing on education as a priority, divorced parents tend to make excuses for their kids.
When a child is hurt it is the parent’s natural instinct to heal, help, and comfort the child. However, allowing the child to neglect their education is a long term detriment to the child. Staying up late to play video games, surf the Net, or text in to the wee hours of the night will likely bring a smile to your child’s face when you as a parent permit them to do so. And it makes you feel good as a parent to make your child smile because you know the divorce is making them hurt inside and you want to chip away at that hurt in whatever way you can, even if it means allowing your child to slack on school work, miss a day or two of school, or even have declining grades.
In reality this is a disadvantage to the children because they are not dealing with their life but rather avoiding it. I suggested to my friend, the twice divorced father, that instead of engaging in escapism with his son through five hours of video games and tolerating avoidance, that they would both be better served by him throwing himself and the bulk of his free time in to being more involved with his child’s schoolwork and education in general. I pointed out to him that it was fantastic he and his son could spend time bonding like that, but as a father he must also ensure his son spends at least an equal amount of time and energy focused on his education as he does his hobbies or play time.
If you are a divorced parent or a parent going through a divorce, of course I don’t know what your exact, specific, personal situation is at the moment. However, based on my experience over the past twelve years, this systematic series of avoidance and excuses is what I see happen more often than not.
You can click this link for some of my tips on how parents can take action in making education an effective anchor for children of divorce. By working these steps together to make structure through education a priority, it is my sincerest belief that both parents and children can not only weather the stormy seas of divorce but thrive and grow even stronger in spite of them.
Christopher Brewin has been a writer and educator for over twelve years.
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